My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
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Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Investing in beetcoin
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?