[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
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Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
My plans: 2020:
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.