@simoncholland: My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
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@MikeBigby: [Airport security supervillain screening] AGENT: Spell 'haha' ME: OK, 'M',-- AGENT: ur under arrest
@causticbob: My wife must be the slowest reader ever. I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn't finished it.
@Emonalisha: If you piss me off in the grocery store I will get in line in front of you and pay for a single banana with a personal check
@jwoodham: Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.