My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
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i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.