@simoncholland: My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she's going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
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@myonlymizztake: I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
@SufficientCharm: TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT'S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
@david8hughes: Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o'clock Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o'clock]: we'll worry about him in an hour then
@GeorgiaSweet20: *walks into confessional, closes door and sits down* Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I've had a pretty wild week...