@simoncholland: My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she's going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
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@juanadog: Saw a sign on the highway that said "Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500" but it doesn't tell me where to pick up the money...
@GoldenSpirals: Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple? Mom: No, sweetie. I don't know how to cut them. Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
@joejwest: ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice DATE: Ok WAITER: Can I get you any drinks? ME: Yes I'll have- [rolls dice] -six beers please