Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
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Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
This is a bad sign
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel