My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
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BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.