daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
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My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”