Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
You Might Also Like
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Follow me for more life hacks.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Why is this me 😫
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
selfie game
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.