It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
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“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
2022 will be better than 2021
Sell your car
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop