It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
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Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.