*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
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I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.