My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
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Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.