My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
You Might Also Like
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
not to brag, but mine was free
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.