My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
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Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
I occasionally drink every single night.
channeling her this year
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
🤣🤣🤣
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.