I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
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I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
584.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Saving my good tweets for marriage
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch