My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
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I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Social Media and Real life
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.