@Vodkantots: My daughters weren't paying attention to me, so I told them Taylor Swift died.
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@vonTraphaus: Captain Planet (1991) - a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
@haleysfalling: [showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you'll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
@byrdie_num_num: Few people have the balls to admit when they're wrong. Then again, few people have talking balls.
@daemonic3: Top causes of divorce: 1. Finances 2. Infidelity 3. Unmet expectations 4. Growing apart 5. Tandem bikes