@Vodkantots: My daughters weren't paying attention to me, so I told them Taylor Swift died.
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@lovemyboots111: "One day I caught myself smiling for no reason, then I realized I was thinking of you...." under a moving bus
@WheelTod: I'd been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
@brianbowman73: I give new meaning to the word "awesome." At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
@FatherWithTwins: Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we're in the car *5 secs later Me: What're you eating? 5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ......Nothing