@Vodkantots: My daughters weren't paying attention to me, so I told them Taylor Swift died.
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@hippieswordfish: 'babe, i'm ready' -says my wife, from the bedroom 'be right there' -i say from the bathroom, trying furiously to untangle my yo-yo string
@Kimpulses: A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
@BeamishBoi: *throws goods on conveyor belt* Cashier: is that all sir? Me:"Nope. You got change for a trophy?"
@BadCoq: Do you think it's possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it's spikes? I'm giving a dinner party.