@Vodkantots: My daughters weren't paying attention to me, so I told them Taylor Swift died.
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@flashember: [Opening questions in a murder trial] DOLPHIN PROSECUTOR: You are a killer whale, is that correct? KILLER WHALE: Yes. DP: I REST MY CASE
@hollywoodsigh: I'm at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to shit faster because it's cold.
@Prof_Hinkley: I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one