@Vodkantots: My daughters weren't paying attention to me, so I told them Taylor Swift died.
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@BoogTweets: *Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
@DontTouchMyWine: Whoa. Wait a minute. So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over? Damn it! *starts scraping off her stickers*
@SenatorBigfoot: Alright, alright. You can all have jet packs! [two days later] Reporter: Another 8000 dead today due to sky rage.
@robdelaney: My marriage is a mess and I'm in real financial trouble. But the McRib will return one day, and that's what keeps me going.