[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
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When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Somebody’s lying.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
I think I’m having a stroke
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Big Sex has us all fooled
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]