My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
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professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.