My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
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Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Yes, this is exactly right
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it