BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
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I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?