What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
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[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
new career option?
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.