@jake_lach: My dealer texts to ask if I'm straight and I'm not even sure how that's relevant to our arrangement
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@BatBatshitcrazy: What's it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it's called alcohol.
@_Water_Baby: I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
@LindaInDisguise: I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
@0point5twins: - Fred, Velma, Shaggy... Can you name one of the 'Big 5' African animals? - Rhino - We know you do, Scooby, but it's not your team's turn