@jake_lach: My dealer texts to ask if I'm straight and I'm not even sure how that's relevant to our arrangement
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@ibid78: I wish softcore horror was a genre. Like, "LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU IT'S A KITTEN! OH THANK GOD IT'S JUST A FEATHER."
@AndyAsAdjective: [my kid, literally every school morning] "I hate mornings. I'm not getting up" [1st day of summer vacation] "dad, can we watch the sunrise"
@Jake_Vig: Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say "I'm not actually a Nazi"
@Gooooats: Me: What's for dinner? Wife: Casserole. Me: Wrong! (hands wife forged doctor's prescription for tacos) We're eating tacos.