*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
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I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
The Assassin.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.