My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
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Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Them: Just act casual
Me:
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Strangers have the best candy.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.