My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
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nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look