My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
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Polite kitties have good etiquecat
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
My dating profile:
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.