My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
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Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk