I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
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It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.