*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
You Might Also Like
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
saw this in a dream
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Cause of death: Zumba
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.