@WritePlay: *burglar breaks in* *i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture* Burglar: No I have a double chin! Me: I'll post it

@Mom_Overboard: my dog: LEMME OUT me: you gonna bark? dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT me: what things? dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT me: you don't need to bark at the wind dog: YES I DO CAN'T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT

@bidenandobama: Biden: Think about it like an investment opportunity. Obama: I'm not buying you an above ground pool, Joe.

@CoopSoSarc: Stress from children can take 10 yrs off your life Drinking alcohol from stress can take another 10 yrs Based on my math, I died 5 yrs ago

@BrandonEsWolf: ME: How fresh is the "fresh octopus"? WAITER: The chef is fighting it right now.