My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
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If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.