@figgled: My definition of the word 'mansion' becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
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@thepamilerin: My mum entered my room &found me asleep. She Walked closer, caressed my hair & slapped my face saying 'ur last seen on whatsApp was 1min ago
@Be___Dope: People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I'm over here wanting Donald Duck.
@FilthyRichmond: I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people's crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
@ericsshadow: [first date] I'm really nervous about this. It's been a long time since I've [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.