@thepamilerin: My mum entered my room &found me asleep. She Walked closer, caressed my hair & slapped my face saying 'ur last seen on whatsApp was 1min ago

@Be___Dope: People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I'm over here wanting Donald Duck.

@FilthyRichmond: I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people's crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.

@ericsshadow: [first date] I'm really nervous about this. It's been a long time since I've [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.

@mattZillaaaa: *drops pizza slice on the floor Hey can I get another slice? *eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice