@WritePlay: *burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I'll post it
@Mom_Overboard: my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don't need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN'T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
@bidenandobama: Biden: Think about it like an investment opportunity.
Obama: I'm not buying you an above ground pool, Joe.
@CoopSoSarc: Stress from children can take 10 yrs off your life
Drinking alcohol from stress can take another 10 yrs
Based on my math, I died 5 yrs ago
@BrandonEsWolf: ME: How fresh is the "fresh octopus"?
WAITER: The chef is fighting it right now.
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