My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
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So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Terribly Tuesday.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.