My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
You Might Also Like
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer