My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
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I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
This will teach them to underestimate me
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Someone just threatened to call me later
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
not to brag, but mine was free
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Oh hi lol
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.