My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
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Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
You are what you delete.
Goodnight 🐶
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.