My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
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I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks