My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
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*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Seems kinda suspicious
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.