My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
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How your email finds me
I think my mom just blocked me
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
When can I start eating bats again.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
They’re called werewolves.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.