My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
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Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
March 16
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks