My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
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i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Good morning y’all ☀️
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
is frankincense just very honest incense?
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?