@BertCarrillo: My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.
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@TheToddWilliams: [grocery produce aisle] ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots? CLERK: No, why do you ask? CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
@Xoolun: Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst. Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.
@AristotlesNZ: I gave my 1yo a chocolate covered raisin. He chewed, paused, then gave me a look that told me he will never trust another human being again.
@jimmytorosian: Don't drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be "the dirty guy" and no one will have sex with you