@BertCarrillo: My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.
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@kimt205: Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
@MandiAtRandom: Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
@myles_morrison: I changed my wifi name to "14.4k dial up connection" so no one would bother stealing my signal.