Bite me again
– my bottom lip
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devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
This line from Airplane.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure