Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
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ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
o shit
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.