People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
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Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”