Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
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Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…