My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
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Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]