My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
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This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog