@ddsmidt: My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
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@iGreenMonk: Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
@DadandBuried: I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn't happen to be screaming there's always another around to pick up the slack.
@TheBoydP: Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
@internetluke: [on phone with mom] SHE SAID YES!!!! "congrats, son" I asked her if she thought I was weird "Wait what?" She thinks I'm weird. We broke up