My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
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going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing