Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
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GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Doctors texting each other.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
I’ve had relationships like this
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life