Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
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[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
2 years later
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie